"Morning" by Jean Ann Douglass

August 01, 2020

Morning

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[align right] The first thing I say is: [after 2s; append] [align center] [[~~morning.~~]] [after 4s; append] [align right] And he says: [after 6s; append] [align center] [[__morning.__]]

[align right] But our eyes are still closed. [after 2s; append] [align right] It’s a sweet little thing we started doing without even talking about it, [after 4s; append] [align right] kind of gross, shut up, [after 6s; append] [align right] where we say good morning just before opening our eyes so we know the very first thing each of us sees in the morning is [[each other]].

[align left] And we’re [[here already]].

[align right] The first thing I smell is coffee because we got one of those coffee makers that you set up the night before and can kind of use like an alarm. [after 5s; append] [align right] It feels so decadent like we’re at a bed and breakfast every day [after 8s; append] [align right] and a little silver man with a faraway accent lives on our counter to get things ready for us, his guests, [[in the morning]].

[align right] It was a birthday present from me to him [after 3s; append] [align right] but I think I like it more than he does. [after 6s; append] [align right] He’s never minded getting up in the morning but I have such a hard time. [after 10s; append] [align right] I feel like I’ve been lying here for ten seconds [after 13s; append] [align right] but really [[an hour has gone by.]]

[align right] One more [[wasted hour.]]

[align right] Don’t tell my journal, I’ve convinced it that I’m very productive and hellbent on [[achieving my goals]].

[align right] Though tonight I’m going out with Sarah [after 3s; append] [align right] so chalk one more day up to wasted youth [after 6s; append] [align right] because we always get appetizer sampler platters [after 9s; append] [align right] and unnaturally colored drinks the size of my head [after 13s; append] [align right] which are two things [after 14s; append] [align right] that I’m pretty sure you can’t say about [[Gloria Steinem]].

[align right] When I get home I’ll yell ~~“I’m home honey”~~ and then whoops ha ha it’s actually ~~“Honey I’m home”~~ but he won’t respond. [after 6s; append] [align right] So at this point I will know that something life-alteringly terrible has happened to him. [after 10s; append] [align right] And I will [[panic]].

[align right] But it will just be that the TV was on too loud. [after 3s; append] [align right] He will be asleep in front of it, slightly to the left of the permanent indentation he’s made in [[the couch]].

[align right] I’ll tell him ~~“you scared me”~~ [after 2s; append] [align right] and he’ll say [after 3s; append] [align right] __oh my god I was just watching TV I can’t control what scares you__ [after 5s; append] [align right] and I’ll lose it. [after 7s; append] [align right] I’ll yell that he’s ~~selfish~~ and ~~boring~~ [after 10s; append] [align right] which has nothing to do with this moment [after 14s; append] [align right] but everything to do with [after 16s; append] [align right] the shitty couch [after 17s; append] [align right] his gaming system [after 17.5s; append] [align right] his constant napping [after 18s; append] [align right] his bad presents that are passive aggressive nudges for me to get a different career [after 24s; append] [align right] and then I’ll say [after 26s; append] [align right] ~~I’m sorry I’m kind of drunk I’m sorry I’m sorry [[I’ll go to bed]]~~.

[align right] But right now I’m smelling his hair [after 4s; append] [align right] and my own breath [after 7s; append] [align right] and somehow the sunshine. [after 10s; append] [align right] And thinking that it would be so nice [after 12s; append] [align right] if time would just stop. [after 18s; append] [align right] So nice if we could stay here all day [after 20s; append] [align right] all week [after 21s; append] [align right] all month [after 22s; append] [align right] all season [after 23s; append] [align right] all [[year--]]

[align center] __I'll get the coffee.__ [after 3s; append] [align center] ~~You're [[the best.|First thing]].~~

[align left] I’m not just waking up I’ve actually been lying awake for one and a quarter years by the time she speaks, [after 4s; append] [align left] but she doesn’t know that. [after 6s; append] [align left] It’s my private thing. [after 8s; append] [align left] I pretend to sleep. [after 10s; append] [align left] I think I’m pretty good at it, she’s never [[noticed]].

[align left] When I was a teenager my father would say to me that the early bird catches the worm and I would say __I’m not a bird DAD I don’t want any WORMS__ [after 6s; append] [align left] and he would tell me I was directionless and would wind up pumping his gas for the rest of my life [after 10s; append] [align left] which isn’t true because now he’s dead and also I work in an office. [after 13s; append] [align left] [[So.]]

[align left] We moved to a new house when I was in tenth grade [after 4s; append] [align left] and for months I didn’t have any curtains in my room because the old venetian blinds I had had before actually belonged to our old house. [after 8s; append] [align left] Not to us. [after 11s; append] [align left] [[Certainly not to me]].

[align left] And my room had one window that was like [after 2s; append] [align left] BAM FUCK YOU I’M THE SUN [after 3.5s; append] [align left] the moment the sun peeked over the horizon. [after 7s; append] [align left] So I’d be like __dad DAD I need blinds__ [after 9s; append] [align left] and he’d be like I’m going after work on Friday to Home Depot calm down [after 12s; append] [align left] and I’d be like __I’ll calm down when you come home with BLINDS__ which god knows how long it actually took him to buy because that guy was always doing something besides doing anything nice for me [[that’s for sure]].

[align left] So I tried putting t-shirts over my face to block out the light. [after 3s; append] [align left] I’d put them there the night before but then they’d fall off. [after 6s; append] [align left] So I’d put them on again when the sun woke me up in the morning and try to get back to sleep. [after 10s; append] [align left] But at that point I’d be awake. [after 12s; append] [align left] So I’d lie there. [after 14s; append] [align left] And when my dad came in to wake me up he would think I was asleep [after 17s; append] [align left] but I wasn’t. I was just [[lying there]].

[align left] [[I had been.]]

[align left] Most of the day is just blah blah blah same same and you’re going and going and you look up and it’s 4 o’clock already. [after 5s; append] [align left] Why? [after 7s; append] [align left] Because you’re busy or interested or having a good time or just doing something so [[time is going to go]].

[align left] But lying here awake, [after 3s; append] [align left] early, [after 5s; append] [align left] when no one knows, [after 7s; append] [align left] feels at least like what a week should feel like, [after 10s; append] [align left] and sometimes, [after 12s; append] [align left] like today, [after 14s; append] [align left] if I do it early enough, [after 17s; append] [align left] it feels like more than a year. [after 20s; append] [align left] And they’re my best years. [after 23s; append] [align left] The rest of it goes by so quickly it doesn’t even really count as [[my life|year--]].

"Morning" by Jean Ann Douglass

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