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The first thing I say is:
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[[~~morning.~~]]
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And he says:
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[[__morning.__]][align right]
But our eyes are still closed.
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It’s a sweet little thing we started doing without even talking about it,
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kind of gross,
shut up,
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where we say good morning just before opening our eyes so we know the very first thing each of us sees in the morning is [[each other]]. [align left]
And we’re [[here already]]. [align right]
The first thing I smell is coffee because we got one of those coffee makers that you set up the night before and can kind of use like an alarm.
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It feels so decadent like we’re at a bed and breakfast every day
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and a little silver man with a faraway accent lives on our counter to get things ready for us, his guests, [[in the morning]].[align right]
It was a birthday present from me to him
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but I think I like it more than he does.
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He’s never minded getting up in the morning but I have such a hard time.
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I feel like I’ve been lying here for ten seconds
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but really [[an hour has gone by.]] [align right]
One more [[wasted hour.]] [align right]
Don’t tell my journal, I’ve convinced it that I’m very productive and hellbent on [[achieving my goals]]. [align right]
Though tonight I’m going out with Sarah
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so chalk one more day up to wasted youth
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because we always get appetizer sampler platters
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and unnaturally colored drinks the size of my head
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which are two things
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that I’m pretty sure you can’t say about [[Gloria Steinem]].
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When I get home I’ll yell ~~“I’m home honey”~~ and then whoops ha ha it’s actually ~~“Honey I’m home”~~ but he won’t respond.
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So at this point I will know that something life-alteringly terrible has happened to him.
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And I will [[panic]].[align right]
But it will just be that the TV was on too loud.
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He will be asleep in front of it, slightly to the left of the permanent indentation he’s made in [[the couch]].
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I’ll tell him ~~“you scared me”~~
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and he’ll say
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__oh my god I was just watching TV I can’t control what scares you__
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and I’ll lose it.
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I’ll yell that he’s ~~selfish~~ and ~~boring~~
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which has nothing to do with this moment
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but everything to do with
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the shitty couch
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his gaming system
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his constant napping
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his bad presents that are passive aggressive nudges for me to get a different career
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and then I’ll say
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~~I’m sorry I’m kind of drunk I’m sorry I’m sorry [[I’ll go to bed]]~~.[align right]
But right now I’m smelling his hair
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and my own breath
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and somehow the sunshine.
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And thinking that it would be so nice
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if time would just stop.
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So nice if we could stay here all day
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all week
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all month
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all season
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all [[year--]] [align center]
__I'll get the coffee.__
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~~You're [[the best.|First thing]].~~[align left]
I’m not just waking up I’ve actually been lying awake for one and a quarter years by the time she speaks,
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but she doesn’t know that.
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It’s my private thing.
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I pretend to sleep.
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I think I’m pretty good at it, she’s never [[noticed]].[align left]
When I was a teenager my father would say to me that the early bird catches the worm and I would say __I’m not a bird DAD I don’t want any WORMS__
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and he would tell me I was directionless and would wind up pumping his gas for the rest of my life
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which isn’t true because now he’s dead and also I work in an office.
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[[So.]][align left]
We moved to a new house when I was in tenth grade
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and for months I didn’t have any curtains in my room because the old venetian blinds I had had before actually belonged to our old house.
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Not to us.
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[[Certainly not to me]].[align left]
And my room had one window that was like
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BAM FUCK YOU I’M THE SUN
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the moment the sun peeked over the horizon.
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So I’d be like __dad DAD I need blinds__
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and he’d be like I’m going after work on Friday to Home Depot calm down
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and I’d be like __I’ll calm down when you come home with BLINDS__ which god knows how long it actually took him to buy because that guy was always doing something besides doing anything nice for me [[that’s for sure]].
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So I tried putting t-shirts over my face to block out the light.
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I’d put them there the night before but then they’d fall off.
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So I’d put them on again when the sun woke me up in the morning and try to get back to sleep.
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But at that point I’d be awake.
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So I’d lie there.
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And when my dad came in to wake me up he would think I was asleep
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but I wasn’t. I was just [[lying there]].[align left]
[[I had been.]][align left]
Most of the day is just blah blah blah same same and you’re going and going and you look up and it’s 4 o’clock already.
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Why?
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Because you’re busy or interested or having a good time or just doing something so [[time is going to go]]. [align left]
But lying here awake,
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early,
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when no one knows,
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feels at least like what a week should feel like,
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and sometimes,
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like today,
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if I do it early enough,
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it feels like more than a year.
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And they’re my best years.
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The rest of it goes by so quickly it doesn’t even really count as [[my life|year--]].
