Interview With A Virgin

All I knew about Teeth was that it was based on a movie about a girl with teeth in her vagina. After a quick Google, I learned that it was also a musical about Christian girls trying to save themselves for their husbands. 

Keeping with the theme of virginity, I decided to invite my friend, a virgin, to come with me to the show. Except she wasn’t the sex kind of virgin. She was a musical theater virgin! (Movie musicals don’t count.)

I know what you’re thinking: People who don’t like musical theater are smug and pretentious! And I couldn’t agree more. But the reality is that they’re around us all the time in our friend groups, commenting on our Reddit posts, and walking past us on the street. So why create further division when we could instead try to help them understand why musicals are good? Because for a lot of musical theater virgins, it’s just fear… fear that they’ll enjoy themselves too much. 

So I was excited to be there for my friend’s first time, to help her let go of her fear and finally pop her musical theater cherry. I asked her some questions when it was all over. Here’s our conversation. 

Francesca: How did you feel before seeing Teeth?
Musical Theater Virgin: Stressed out to be in Times Square. I had come from a pretty quiet neighborhood and emerged from the subway into chaos.

F: Do you feel like the chaos affected your mood going into the theater?
MTV: No, I was immediately at ease once we were in the lobby of Playwrights Horizons because there was stuff for sale.

F: Did you know it was gonna be a musical?
MTV: Yes, and honestly I wasn’t excited. I used to be very anti-musical. But since becoming an adult, I am now open but skeptical. 

F: What was your relationship to musical theater when you were younger?
MTV: I thought it was annoying. And I had seen musical movies and I always zoned out during the songs, the same way I zoned out while watching action scenes in action movies. I also have trouble understanding words in songs so the plot would just go over my head.

F: What was your impression once we were in the theater?
MTV: I was happy to be in the back. I get anxious in the front row because I don’t want the performers to interact with me. 

F: Did you know what it was gonna be about?
MTV: Kind of. I’ve never seen the movie Teeth but I saw the trailer in high school. The trailer didn’t show that much. I wanted to see the vagina, but I didn’t feel compelled to see the movie. So all I knew was it was a musical about a girl with teeth in her vagina. 

F: What was the first thing you noticed on stage?
MTV: The giant cross and I loved it. It was one of my favorite parts of the whole show. 

F: Were you raised religious?
MTV: Yes, we were “non-denominational Christians.”

F: What’d you think once the show started? 
MTV: I was excited. I liked that it started as a kind of sermon. I’ve been to churches where it’s all rock music, so it reminded me of being there. I loved the group of girls – and their intensity, too – right off the bat.

F: Did you relate to the girls in PKG (Promise Keeper Girls)?
MTV: Definitely and they immediately hooked me. I was never in a group like that but I would’ve been if we’d been a part of a church. My mom believed that if you’re non-denominational then you don't have to go to a church. 

F: What was your relationship to purity?
MTV: My relationship to purity was similar to the girls in PKG because I also learned that if you had sex before marriage you would go to hell.

F: When did you learn that?
MTV: Probably when my mom gave “the talk” to me and the other girls at my best friend’s 12th birthday party. She told us at the dining room table that we would all bleed from our vaginas in 6-12 months. I didn’t ask any questions. My mom’s main point was that a period meant you could get pregnant. Then at school, we watched a video where a guy and a girl are on the beach in their bathing suits. And it was basically just about how some people go to the beach and get horny. And then they showed an X-ray of a penis entering a vagina. And then a video of a live birth. 

F: Wow. 
MTV: Yes, and then after the beach video we had an assembly where someone talked about abstinence and then they told us we had to sign an abstinence contract. It was a public school in Texas. Some people were laughing and making it a joke but I signed that shit. 

F: Did you really wanna wait?
MTV: Yes. Until I got to college, when I started dating my first boyfriend and I started googling “Will I really go to hell if I have sex?”

F: Were you scared your vagina would kill him?
MTV: No, I used to look up penis and vagina in the dictionary multiple times a day and I believed the definitions were accurate.

F: So did you do it?
MTV: Yes. I did it when I was 19 and it was because someone on Reddit said that God sees all sins on one level and so the sin of having sex before marriage is not any worse than the sin of wearing clothes with two different materials. So I came to terms with the fact that I’m a sinner no matter what.

F: How did you feel during the musical?
MTV: Entertained and engaged. The set, the costumes, the lights, and the music were all amazing. 

F: Were there any similarities between losing your sexual virginity and your musical theater virginity? 
MTV: I guess for both I was a little scared but also excited. I felt ready and like I was gonna have to do it eventually. And it hurt sometimes but it also felt good. 

F: What were you most surprised by in Teeth?
MTV: The sexual assault scenes were shocking and visceral. And also when PKG was singing as a group, it sounded so perfect. Too perfect. I actually thought it was fake, but then I realized that couldn’t be true because the whole point is that musicals are live. 

F: Which character would you wanna hurt if you were a Dentata?  
MTV: The gynecologist. 

F: Did you understand the plot even when they were singing?
MTV: I did. It was very clear. 

F: Would you see another musical?
MTV: I would. 

Francesca D'Uva is an experimental comedian living in Brooklyn. She performs regularly in New York and her work has been showcased at MoMA PS1, MOCA, and Ars Nova. Francesca was the 2022 Performance AIRspace Resident at Abrons Arts Center, culminating in her solo show, This Is My Favorite Song.