A Step-by-Step Guide for Calling Your Ex-Husband to Let Him Know That a Notice for Jury Duty Came for Him in the Mail
1) Open your phone, find his name
Reminder that the last time you called him you changed his name in your phone afterwards so it will now appear as First Name: If you // Last Name: Call this number you are entering a world of pain (so under C)
Another reminder as you even just LOOK at his name and imagine dialing:
You are calling him to leave a message about jury duty. YOU ARE NOT CALLING TO TALK TO HIM ON THE PHONE.
You have called him 98 times and he has never answered before. You are in control of what can and cannot disappoint you based on YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Side-note about number of calls: Feels somehow okay to call 99 times. 100 not okay. This is your last chance to leave a GOOD, STRONG VOICEMAIL.
DEFINITION OF GOOD, STRONG VOICEMAIL
List generated with your next door neighbor’s eight year old daughter Rosie when you were babysitting for her this weekend (so list half yours/half hers):
- A voicemail that makes it clear a notice for jury duty has come for him in the mail
- A voicemail that does not deteriorate into a long monologue about how you are lonely, how you are sorry, how you are still not sure why you do the things you do but you’re finally ready to figure it out and you just wish that he would be willing to go on that journey with you
- A voicemail that makes it clear you are OVER things like arts and crafts for KIDS and you LOVE COMPUTERS
- A voicemail that embraces the fact that you are independent from him, his opinion does not matter, you are not leaving this voicemail in the hopes he will give you anything in return
- A voicemail that shows you do NOT need your parents but especially your MOM to tell you when certain things in a movie might be about to be scary, because you know it’s just a movie and you DON’T GET NIGHTMARES from things that aren’t real now that you’re 8
Remember what else Rosie said:
ROSIE: The best part of being alive is that you can just smile and play and have fun with your friends
YOU: But what if you have no friends
ROSIE: No one has no friends
YOU: I have no friends
ROSIE: Maybe you have one?
YOU: I recently called Justine, who was the only person left in my life who I considered a friend, and she told me that the last time we spoke she was just trying to be there for me and I called her a hag and a shrew
ROSIE: So say sorry
YOU: I did but now she has other friends who have never done anything like that to her before
ROSIE: Then you can still smile and play and have fun alone, like, you CAN do that even if you don’t want to. You actually only can’t do that if you are dead like my rabbit
YOU: That’s nice, thanks
ROSIE: And my dog
YOU: Right
ROSIE: And the boy who lives under my bed
YOU: Can we talk about something else now
2) Dial his number (touch “If you Call this” etc on phone)
It will be a thrill to touch it, it will be dizzying, like an orgasm or like when you got three answers right in a row as you were watching Jeopardy with his parents and you felt like they finally saw you as a smart person and maybe he did too
Don’t bask in the thrill, don’t dwell in it, it’s going to go away soon and this phone call will let you down (similar to when the next question on Jeopardy was “The bride and groom do this together, often with a decorated silver knife” and you shouted at the screen, very loud and proud, “What is ritualized murder, Alex?”)
You will make the mistake of dwelling in the orgasm feeling because you always do
When you return to reality after the orgasm, it is going to feel bad. Know that and expect it. It will feel like reality hitting you in the face
Around now, something unnameable lodges itself in the very back of your throat
3) Wait for the first ring
What to expect when you hear it (based on previous experiences):
– Every time: your stomach drops and your body freezes up
– Sometimes: you think about how badly you need a hug
– One time (unfortunately): you crapped
4) Let the phone ring five more times
Priority now is to relax
That means you must BREATHE
Reminder: Breathe does NOT mean hold your breath until you pass out and when the ambulance comes say, “Just throw me out of the back of this thing, I’m done with life”—reminder that they do not think that kind of thing is funny
Some things you should think about while you are breathing:
– You are doing well, in that you are eating and you are functioning and you are alive
– You are TALENTED at something (just need to find what it is)
– That kid at the grocery store was laughing at someone else
Some things you should NOT think about while you are breathing:
– Maybe this time he will answer
– Maybe he will want to get back together with you
– Your cousin looked hot in his most recent Instagram post
(Note on last point about cousin: always good to take a beat and remember that you need to STOP thinking about that, and stop trying to figure out if he is single, think rationally, he is your cousin, you are related, he is thirty-five years older than you because of big age gap between your parents (not the most damning part but still good to keep in mind), and he is a criminal as in he once killed a man and when he was done confessing to it he said “that was fun, I want to try that again sometime down the line, but next time with a woman or a relative or both”)
Now you are thinking about family
5) Disassociate
That unnameable feeling that formed in the very back of your throat is now probably working its way down to your chest
You can try to pretend it’s something casual, but once it gets down to chest area it feels ugly and even worse, it feels familiar, and it’s not casual at all
A question will rip through your brain, which is: How can people just go away?
You picture ex-husband
And now uh oh it’s happening
You picture your dad
You will start to panic. But! There is a solution (remember what Rosie said: “There is always a solution even if it means you have to kill the troll with your best sword” (she was talking about the game on her phone but still useful))
Solution is: Look away! Not everything needs to be examined all the time!
Instead, zoom out. Float above yourself. Remember that you are bigger than this moment, this phone call, this person you are calling. Go really big with it. As in…..
Remember that you only have one life to live. For a moment you will feel angry about that but that is not the exercise. The exercise is to be grateful for everything that is yours:
– Be grateful for your apartment
– Be grateful for your car
– Even though it pays terribly and the hours are bad and your boss is a creep and your co-workers are unfriendly and you are actually not very excited about what it means that you’re selling growth supplements to little children (5 or below) for a living, be grateful for your job
6) Listen to his outgoing message
What to expect:
– His voice will make you miss him
– The way he clears his throat at the end will also make you miss him
– The beep comes really fast (last time it came, you screamed)
The outgoing message will say: Hi, you’ve reached Jackson, leave a message. [Then a computer will tell you how to do that]
This is it
Breathe in, breathe out
The unnameable feeling has now settled in the pit of your stomach. Why can’t you stop thinking about death ever since he left?
Try to avoid doing that. Instead, think about:
– Rosie saying she trusts you even though you were mean to Justine
– Your dad’s enormous laugh and how it sounded like a sneeze
– Your dad tucking you into bed at night when you were little and saying to no one, “Hello sergeant, signing in for duty to keep my daughter safe tonight” and then doing a salute
– The fact that just because people aren’t here anymore doesn’t mean the amount they loved you doesn’t count—you are still loved the amount they loved you
– The fact that in the past, people have been not-okay, and then time has passed, and they have become okay. It happens all the time. It happens all the time. It can happen to you.
7) Leave the message
SCRIPT: Hi. You got a notice for jury duty, so I’ll forward it to your new address. Hope you’re doing well. Bye.
 | Mara Nelson-Greenberg’s work has been developed at Playwrights Horizons, Clubbed Thumb and Ensemble Studio Theatre, among others. Her play Do You Feel Anger? was produced at the Vineyard Theatre in 2019. |
